Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
