i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
