I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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