i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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