She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
