Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
