He had one of those small greek statue penises
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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