I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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