Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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