walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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