i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
