The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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