Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
