I should be sponsored by Trojan
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
