she looked like the bat from fern gully.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's shark week go big or go home
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
