Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
