at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize