At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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