it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize