Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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