So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think a kid would responsible me up
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
