Even water is tasting like jack daniels
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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