Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
