I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
