broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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