i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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