OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
