I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
