Screwed.edu
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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