you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
