speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
