the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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