my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize