Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize