I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
