I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
