is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
