I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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