she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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