Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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