An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
