I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
