I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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