i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
