Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
