By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
