Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
