if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize