i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
