Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
