I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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