im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Is Oprah even human
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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