i just wanna soil my oats bro
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
