you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
