guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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