I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
