I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
