She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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