Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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