This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
