yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
