I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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