Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
