I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
