Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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