I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
