She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's shark week go big or go home
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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