it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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