Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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