dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Less talking, more tequila
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
